Unexpected

Normally when I walk into the warehouse, that's "Man Territory".  I expect to hear talk about sports, beer, some swear words or an inappropriate joke being told among the Men. That's their space, let them have it.

I didn't expect to hear a conversation about Lamaze and Childbirth.
I didn't know what to do with that .... so I just left.

A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Words.

But sometimes,  words are pretty good and you don't need a picture. 

(and I thought Uncle Jimmy's Hangin' Balls were funny...)

Nice Try

Customer: I would like to order some feed. I don't remember what its called ... or what's in it ... but I've gotten it here before.... a little while back.  It might need to be special ordered, but if not, I would like to pick some up today ... several bags ....

Cashier: (confused look, still waiting to receive actual information) 

Customer: (Confused look back at the Cashier, a little dumbfounded that she doesn't know what he's talking about. He tries to jog her memory...) I've gotten it here before. (pause)  The warehouse guys know what I get .... (now he's frustrated) You don't have that in your computer??

I'm sorry sir, but "The Warehouse Guys Know" is not a description that our inventory system understands.

Indecisive

A woman recently purchased some rat poison... and told me that this is what she uses to bait her Live traps.

I'm not sure she completely understands how each of these items work.  

Above and Beyond

Krazzzy!

So ... We were at Target today ... and he needed some Krazy Glue. And when we got up to the register, the lady told me she needed to see my Driver's License. And my response was: You're kidding? To which she said: I don't know if they're afraid you're going to be sniffing it or something. And being the smartass that I am, I said: Good thing I quit sniffing glue yesterday!

Air Flow

Ph Call: My dog is having an allergic reaction, do you have anything for that?
(the dog apparently broke out in hives)
Employee: We don't have any medicines for allergies, but we do have some topical treatments that might work ....
Ph Call: The only thing that is different is the choke collar ... could that have done it?

Um, no. But lack of oxygen might ....

Timing is Everything!

O how I love the customers who ask what time we close and I say "Seven," and its 6:58 .. . so they order 10 drinks

Mondays

Bleh.

How Dumb Do I Look to You?

I am quite certain that you did NOT buy these pants with the tags attached in the wrong places with rolled up scotch tape. Our goal is to be a little more professional than a garage sale.
And  when something is 15% off for a sale, the signage is there to bring that sale to your attention - not to give you an additional 15% off the original 15% off sale. You're over thinking it. Keep it Simple, honey.

Basic Math

As the Holiday Shopping Season approaches, I would like to take this moment to remind the general public that Shoes are arranged numerically - in ascending order, size 7, size 8, 8 1/2 ~then~ 9 ... and so on. Its not hard. Jeans are folded in 3rds. Not in half, nor in 4ths ... and certainly not 5ths! You're doing it the hard way!

And, really ... put it back where you found it. It'll be greatly appreciated.

That's Not What I Meant

Today I was talking to an older gentleman on the phone about his request for a certain coat. I was not able to get him the exact coat he requested, but could get one that was close  - the color would be different. I tried to describe the color "mushroom"...
Me: It's kind of like a dirty...
Him: Starts to giggle like a little boy.
Me: ... tan color.
Him: Still giggling, "Don't use that word."


 Eewww!

If at First You Don't Succeed ...

A customer showed up after closing and tried the door. It's locked. 
Confused look - glances at sign, it says closed. 
Read the posted hours. It says we close at 7pm. 
They look at their watch. Hmmm... 7:08pm. 
Then they try the door again, two more times. 
Nope, still closed.

Thanks for Driving in!

Question of the day:
Elderly woman: Is this 2012?

Yep! For 9 whole months now.

She just forgot.
She still drives.

Delayed Reaction

You bought a pair of jeans 6 years ago and you want to return them?? Really?? Who saves jeans .... for SIX YEARS ....  then decides that ~now~ would be a good time to return them?

Dominate

When a statuesque woman with tattoos and tight clothing, wearing leather boots clearly not suited for horse riding, purchases a riding crop and leaves the store testing the sting of it on her hand ... it makes you wonder...

Thinking Ahead.

Hello? Yes, my wife bought some flea drops yesterday.... for a Big Dog. I need to return them. Our dog isn't big yet, he's still a puppy.

Can I talk to a Grown Up Please?

Pizza Girl: Thank you for calling (pizza place), how can I help you?
Me: Yes, do you sell (this kind) of pizza?
Pizza Girl: Uhmmm...Yes, we do.
Me: OK, there is a woman by the name of Wendy who will be coming in soon to pick up one of those pizza's, do you know if she has been there yet?
Pizza Girl: Uhh....(confused silence) .... so do you want me to add that pizza to the order??
Me: No. I need to know if Wendy has picked up her pizza yet.
Pizza Girl: Uh ....???  ..... hold on please.
Me: (listening to hold music)
Pizza Girl: Hello? No, she has not been here to pick up her pizza yet.
Me: Good. I work with her and she is on her way now. She forgot something here at work that she needs to come back for, can you please give her that message?
Pizza Girl: (said in her best Blonde Beauty Queen voice) Uhmm... so YOU're going to pick up the pizza???

~ When did I say anything remotely resembling that?~
No, hunny, I'm not ... can I speak to a grown up now?

What ... are ya new?

Customer: I bought a dog training whistle yesterday .... the dog's not responding like he's supposed to, I need to return it.
Employee: Have you spent some time with the dog .. training him?
Customer: No. I thought he was supposed to know what I wanted him to do when I used the whistle.

(sigh)
Yes, you may return the whistle .... it's not going to work for you.

A little vague ...

A customer walks in and looks me straight in the eye from the moment he entered the building. Without loosing eye contact, and I think without blinking, he maneuvers across the room and around the counters to me - where I was doing a re-stock on some merchandise clearly unrelated to the subject he was about to speak on, and he says to me,
"You need to carry bird toys."
Uhmmmm....  a little creeped out by his stare and lack of blinking, I say, "OK. What kind of bird toys?"
His reply was simple. "Well, the kind MY bird likes to play with."

Blind Faith

Just saw a commercial for the Scooter Store ... no one works harder to get you mobile! And they'll give you a free deck of Large Print playing cards .... 

cuz its fun to put the blind in motorized equipment!

Random Thoughts

A customer comes in and needs help with getting a dog harness because she doesn't like how the dog is pulling and "choking" with just a collar. So we go back and fit the dog in a harness or two, try them out a little and she chose the one that she liked.  We started for the front to complete the purchase. Oh look! Shoes! I helped her try on 9 pairs of shoes. The ones she liked are the most expensive and she'll have to ask her husband. Now the dog needs a toy and a treat. Down that isle we go. Several toys are looked at and squeaked and offered before the dog chose the one she liked. Treats ... which ones aren't made in China? (Amen! Here are the ones that are USA made!) These treats have glucosamine ... gasp! Her other dog has arthritis and needs that!  What else do we have for that?? On the way to THAT isle she tells me that she also needs a something for her OTHER dog that doesn't like being in the car ... blissfully that supplement is in the same isle as the glucosamine. So we choose what she needs there .... back to the front .... and weed control. Yep, now we are talking about her lawn. With that product now secured for purchase, she disappears into the clothing section. After carefully looking at everything, she chose a few pieces to try on. So I puppy sit while she heads to the dressing room. Then more looking .... All said and done and 15 minutes after closing, she was there for an hour and a half, bought 2 dog harness', 2 bags of treats, 1 toy, 1 weed control, no shoes, no clothes and got 20 minutes of free puppy sitting. I'm gonna have a drink now.

Very VERY Specific

A customer came in today and asked for help with choosing a dog food. She said she was looking for something grain free and gluten free. My Asst. Mgr suggested a certain brand so we started there. We read the ingredients - no grains. But it did have peas. The dog can't have peas ... you see, peas make the customer itch, and the dog has allergies, so since She (the customer) can't eat peas, neither can the dog. Ok then. On to the next food ... reading the ingredients .... no peas, but it has tomato. Nope ... no tomatoes. No explanation, just No. Moving on ... here's a food, no grains, no peas, no tomato!  We have a winner!  Hmm ... but it doesn't have rice.  We must have rice. So, let me get this straight; we need grain free, gluten free, pea free and tomato free, but must have rice?? After reading the ingredient labels for almost every food we carry, she picked a bag of food that was shiny and pretty - guess what ... Grain free (aka no wheat and no barley), no peas, no tomato and had rice.

Penny Pincher

Regarding the .99 cent box cutters; There is no exchange program. 
Next time you need a new one, don't leave me the old one ...  just pay the ~.99 cents~ 

Ruff Day

Yep. ~*ALL*~ of the dog squeaky toys work. Thanks for checking.

Selfish Much?

When you walk into a store and see ONE cashier running 2 registers, don't ... I repeat, DO NOT start a new line at the 3rd register. That's just wrong and selfish.

Pepto ?

A customer walks in, looks me straight in the eye and with a straight face all serious, asks, "Do you have a solution for runny poop?"

Rendered speechless by the overwhelming possibilities of answers, all I could do was look at her.  Then laugh at her. Thank God she is a regular customer and a friend! Turns out the problem is not a personal one, but its the Camel that is not feeling well. The camel.  
More silence ... more laughing.  What do you give a Camel????

You're Village Called, they miss you.

To the driver who insists on driving at 40mph in a 55 zone .... until we reach the passing lanes when you speed up to 65mph to keep everyone behind you.... You're an idiot with control issues. Get some therapy.

Almost a dog.

Meet Fred. Fred weighs .8 lbs.  .... We're hoping he'll weigh a full pound by the end of the week.

Go Saints!

Today a gentleman came into the store looking for a statue of St. Joseph. That's a first, but looking for a Saint in a Feed Store isn't the strangest part .... it's the Why that got me. His Realtor told him to bury St. Joseph in the yard of his home because that will help him sell his house. Turns out, Joe is the patron Saint of Real Estate.  The Catholics think of everything!

TMI

I didn't really need to know that your cow stepped on her teat, so now she won't let the calf suck on that one ... so it filled up with milk and exploded. 
But, hey, thanks for sharing.

Shocking!

A customer calls and says, "I bought a bark collar for my dog and the battery is dead. It's only been a day and a half .... is that normal?"
I don't know, is your dog still alive??

She's someone's G'ma

This is from my friend, Mike:
Earlier in the bank I saw 2 "mature" people lose it. The man was next in line and the women behind him did not think he was moving fast enough. After her second tap on his shoulder and telling him to go, he had had enough. I then found out that the term "calm down lady" was a code for this lady to become a complete raving psycho. They kept at each other while completing their transactions. Parting shots were, "Lady I hope you never had any children!" and "Not with you I didn't!"
 Priceless! 

Here's Yer Sign.

There are signs posted every where stating that ALL Carhartt clothing is on sale.  A customer carries a Carhartt jacket to the counter and says, "I see the signs that say  ALL Carhartt is on sale, does that mean this one too?"

(Smile Politely and resist the urge to say...)
Look! You've managed to find the ONE single item that is not included in the "ALL Carhartt" sale. Congratulations!! .... here's your sign.

Cardio & DoubleTap

Today, neatly tucked under a clothing rack I found an old mayo jar... with residue of dried green paint (?) and seeds?? To the person who put it there; What and Why? To my husband; since I did both touch and sniff this jar ... if I am the beginning of the Zombie Acopolypse, Baby, please remember Rule #2. 

BettyJoe

Today at Target we met a man with a deep voice, 5 o'clock shadow, pony tail & BIG bangs, wearing womens clothing and jewelry - name tag: Joe. 
Also met a young man, handsome, clean cut, trimmed beard .... name tag: Betty

Who Knew?

Best Description of where eggs come from (via a 5 yr old boy, looking at the 2 day old chicks)
"How come they're not farting?"

(Dad's explanation: He thinks that farting is how they lay eggs.)

Lassie?

Best description for how much a dog likes a certain treat:
"She'll do Algebra for these!"

Little Big World

Question of the day: "Is that the smallest, or does it come larger?"
Answer:  Uhmmm.... yes?

Freak of Nature

Men's jean size: 34x38. That's a 34 waist, 38 leg length. Visual aid: his "junk" is at the average woman's eye level. Women's size: XS Tall. I repeat, eXtra SMALL, Tall. Visual aid: my left leg, taller than me.

Where's Ernestine when you need her? (One Ringy Dingy...)

Made a phone call to a manufacturing company for a product sold in my store. 


1 ¼  rings and an Automatic answer:
"Thank you for calling (mail system)" - not the name of the company I was intending to call.
"If you know your party's mail box, you may dial at any time, otherwise dial "0" to speak to a representative."


...I  dialed "0"


"I'm sorry, "0" is not a valid option." 
Disconnect.

Can you hear me now?

If I tell you that I don't know the answer, and you reply with with "Well, but ...." and explain it all again... I still don't know the answer.

Gimme a Sec'

When you ask me a question, I request more than a nano-second before you ask another question ... oh, I see .... you're just having a conversation with yourself and want me to listen in. Ok then. Carry on.

Shazaaam!

Customer needed to have a propane tank filled. He was kindly informed that while the thunder storm was over head we would not be pumping any propane. (cuz, well... the whole spark & fume  combustion issue) The customer quickly heaved an irritated sigh and gruffly asked, "Well, how long will that take??" .... Ummm... I'm not quite sure. Let me make a phone call... to GOD. You can wait right here ... next to this tree ... would you like an umbrella? A metal rod, perhaps?

Cups and Spandex

Ladies, if the Good Lord Almighty has "gifted" you, please, PLEASE take my advice:
If the "Girls" reach below your waistband, you need more spring in your spandex.
If the "Girls" weigh more than 10 lbs each, you are not a B cup. (Unfortunately, things just cannot be un-seen)
We're not Walmart.
Thanx.

Everybody Loves a Parade!

This one was shared with me by a young lady who used to work at Disneyland.
The question that is asked more often than it should be-
"What time is the 3:00 Parade?"

What are ya gonna do with THAT?

Best Purchase Combo:
A dog toy.
A cat toy.
Duck Tape.

Old as Dirt

A customer comes to the counter with a few items. I tell her that her total due is $18.46. She hands me a twenty dollar bill then says, "Hm .... (thoughtful head tilt) My husband was born that year."

Captain Obvious

"So, how much does that 50 pound bag weigh?"

Commando

A group of women came into the store to look around. One offered the information that she will be back on another day to try on a pair of jeans. She can't try them on today because she's not wearing any underwear.

Eye Sight.

An elderly woman drives into the gas station. The station attendant comes over to help her. It's a new car for her and she's not sure how to work all the electronics. She's a tiny thing and has the seat as "up" and Forward" as it gets. She asks him if he can help her adjust the seat so her husband can sit in the drivers seat , because as it is, he can't even get in. (Remember this part, it's important later: She needs to adjust the seat so her husband can get in.) Making conversation, the attendant asks if she's from the area. She explains that they are from California and used to drive the motor home up here all the time. But they don't bring the motor home up anymore... not since her husband has lost his eye sight. ... O.o

Inroduction

Having worked in retail my entire adult life, I realized a long time ago that "Customers" are a completely different breed of people .... not very bright people. The Village called and they want their Idiot back kind of people. Some are just having a bad day. Some are just plain grumpy. Some are like that all the time. (shiver)  That's a bit frightening. 


To help me find the humor in the day and survive some of my toughest moments of Customer Service,  I started posting Retail Therapy on my Facebook page.  I am broadening my audience so we can all feel better about our day and better about ourselves!  But be careful, don't judge too quickly ... We are ALL customers at some point in our daily lives.  
We ALL stand on that side of the counter and we ALL get stupid sometimes.
Beware of those Retail Therapy Moments - and laugh at them!